Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide To Kinky Sex by Brame Gloria G

Author:Brame, Gloria G. [Brame, Gloria G.]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Sex
Publisher: Touchstone
Published: 2000-02-29T00:00:00+00:00

Which Is Better: Lifestyle or Role-Play?

People ask me this all the time: Is one type of play better than another, or is one level of SM better than another?

Hear ye! Hear ye! When it comes to sex, there is no such thing as “better.” There is only “what’s better for you.”

Fetishes, power relationships, and other kinky desires are universals. The desire for kinky sex cuts across all political, religious, economic, racial, and cultural lines. You can’t expect all kinky people to share one point of view about what makes a kinky relationship perfect any more than you could expect all Americans to share one point of view about what makes a government perfect.

I recently spoke with a lovely, earnest submissive woman who was in deep conflict about her SM needs. She had been raised in a conservative, religious home. Her ideal was to meet “Mr. Right Master,” marry, raise children, and lead a normal life together while enjoying an SM lifestyle relationship in private. She was disenchanted and ambivalent because every time she attended an SM party, or talked to people online, they pressured her to be more open about playing in public, doing SM at parties (often with strangers), and generally indulging in kink at a level she considered promiscuous. She worried that perhaps she wasn’t really submissive, or submissive enough, because she found the whole concept of playing (as opposed to a lifetime commitment to one man) to be distasteful.

Clearly, she is still that nice, conservative, religious girl her parents raised. Where she went wrong was in trying to remake herself to fit some artificial model of “true submission.” Being kinky does not mean that you give up who or what you were before, or that you transform your personality to fit some mold. There is no mold. Engaging in kink should be a matter of being true to yourself, as you are, and fulfilling your genuine desires. Your kinky persona should be a natural extension of your personality, not some act you put on so others will admire or approve of you.

My advice to this submissive was that she not compromise or give up her dream. Somewhere out there is a religious, conservative, monogamous dominant who would be more than happy to make babies with her and spank her—and not necessarily in that order, either.

If you choose to enter the Scene or explore a lifestyle relationship, your task is to learn what makes you happy and to take responsibility for your sexual well-being. Find out what particular sensations, scenarios, agreements, and commitments are the most fulfilling for you—personally or, if you’re in a relationship, as a couple. What’s right for others has nothing to do with what’s right for you. Only you can decide that.

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